I believe that when the same themes touch my life, over and over again, that the Universe is gently trying to tell me something. Trouble is, I’m not always sure what that something is. There are multiple things reoccurring in my life right now, and I’m just not sure what to make of all of it.
Writing: Despite moving forward, little bit by little bit, with the updates and changes I need to make for my Etsy shop, I’m still being drawn back to the written word. I am currently reworking a personal essay I threw on the page last week. I felt compelled to get the words out as fast as I could. Words keep bubbling up, here and there, stray sentences and I should write about this mental bookmarks. It’s hard to ignore and I don’t want to. But I’m never sure how to merge and balance the different directions I’m pulled in. I’ve begun saying I can keep two balls in the air – keep the kids happy, well-fed, and cared for, and pick one other thing each day (business work, house cleaning, something “extra”) – that’s all I can currently handle. I want to write. I need to write (not that I have anything stunning to say, in particular, just that I ache for it), and I’m struggling to keep it all balanced.
I’ve signed up for one of Jena Schwartz’s writing groups (my first ever since high school!) in the middle of October, with a bit of a (welcome) push from her, and I’m really looking forward to it. I’m nervous, too (can I do the work?) but I think this is a good, really necessary, move for me.
Art: I’m struggling a bit with art right now. I am reworking my Etsy listing photos, and I’m close but it still takes time and effort to finish! I also want to branch out and try a couple of different art mediums (working on it!) but my need to make also is slightly less than the need to get the photography done so I have the mental space to create happily. My show from August is down, and I’m glad. There were a few weird things that happened with that event and it was not the happy, positive show I’d hoped it would be.
Death: The story of Aylan Kurdi and his family, and the other refugees seeking sanctuary, is heartbreaking. I’d also read Anna Kaufman’s gut-wrenching story of losing her five year old son to AIDS on Brain, Child not 12 hours before. At least three other stories of loss have crossed my path within the last 48 hours and are directly relatable… the children are the same ages as my own sons. I am not sure why it’s all bubbling up at this particular time – not that these things don’t happen often, but it is very much on my radar.
Balance: Munchkin started kindergarten full time this week, and the space is welcome. I’m mentally more resilient. I’ve had time to work on photography and write and it is rejuvenating. I am more patient with both my children. Munchkin’s transition has been tough though, and I am anxious that public school was not the right choice for him. Munchkin is crestfallen at the end of the day when I pick him up – he’s had a couple of playground incidents (one a misunderstanding, the other – a kid hit him), and he says that no one will play with him.
Selfishly, I fear that this time that I’ve looked forward to, that I’ve craved, is going to be taken away (given up, really) if (when?) we make the choice to school Munchkin differently. (And at the same time I hug my children tight, mindful of all those stories I’ve borne witness to recently.) But the space is not worth the loss of his happiness. The Engineer and I have talked it over extensively (ad nauseam, I’m sure, to him) and I will not, must not, reflexively react… it’s only the first week and we’ll see if things change. In the meantime, I need to define more clearly my benchmarks for evaluating the success or failure of putting him in school.
I haven’t done yoga for a couple years now, but I keep thinking turtle stretch. This isn’t actually a move, as far as I know, but my mental image is that I’m reaching, expanding, slowly, oh so slowly, to pick up the things – hobbies, obligations, self-care rituals – discarded during the summer crazy. So, Universe, what is it you’re trying to say, again? Please repeat yourself – a little more clearly this time, if you please. I’m trying to understand.