Today is Munchkin’s last day of preschool and I’m staring straight into the jaws of summer. Oh, you know, those loooooooong days of sweet one-on-one time, craft making, nature exploration, fun, merriment and… hahahahahaha.
I’ve qualified for the Worst Parent of the Year Award 6 out of the last 7 mornings – in the bag by 8:30 a.m. Now I’m just looking for the perfect shelf to park my trophy. I don’t want to be selfish, though… and I hear there’s multiple awards given out. So I thought I’d share my tried and true tips and tricks for winning your very own shiny WORST PARENT award.
1. Make your children eat breakfast. This isn’t hard – just make a scrambled egg, put it on a plate in front of them, and watch as they dissolve into tears. How could you be so cruel? Don’t you know children subsist on air and the fumes of uncapped markers?
2. Insist they sit down while they eat. Oh, this is a good one… see, toddlers and preschoolers in their natural habitat move in the ancient patterns of the herd, coming, going… fly-by-eating at its best. Restricting movement is forcing the entire species to evolve in response to unnatural stimuli.
3. Delay in providing breakfast, lunch, dinner, or that post-meal- “I’m full” -but-ravenous-five-minutes-later snack results in World War Ten. You’ve been warned.
4. Change their diaper. It doesn’t matter that it’s hanging below their knees… hell hath no fury like a toddler interrupted while recreating the latest episode of Human Wrecking Ball.
5. Ask your child to get dressed. This task provides all sorts of excellent opportunities to make your child huff and stomp while getting undressed, herding them back into the bedroom, picking out underwear, picking out clothes, forcing a shirt over their head, insisting yes they must wear pants, and shattering their poor little hearts with the entirely unreasonable demand that clothes be something other than pajamas. It’s the stuff tyrannical overlords dream of.
6. Require nap or quiet time. Children were MADE to absorb stimuli and require it non-stop for their mental growth. Like Johnny Five, they need “innnnnnnnput!”
7. Bathe your children. Honestly, humans are not aquatic creatures. How can you expect them to survive in a tub of hot water and soapy bubbles?
8. Demands to get out of the tub and dry off are also completely absurd. Children spent the first 9 months of their existence in an entirely fluid world. From the water they came and to the water they wish to return… learn to deal with it.
9. Ask for hugs, kisses or snuggles. The theory that physical affection is needed or is even necessary is an entirely adult assumption. Children know differently.
10. Be out of body contact for more than 1.6 seconds. In the time it takes to shower, the rapidly growing human-child knows itself to be helpless and abandoned in a cruel, heartless world, resulting in complete mental breakdown. The species cannot survive without ongoing physical contact with the mother. Know this, oh ye cruel parent, you have doomed your offspring.
I hope these tips help you win your very own Worst Parent Award… maybe we can all get together for a trophy-shining party when school starts in August!