Fashion Backward

I have to laugh when I see the “Fashion Dos and Don’ts” articles in magazines. (Full disclosure: I do not and never have had a subscription to anything more expensive than Cook’s Illustrated. I do, however, read the magazines at my allergist’s office!)

My blogging friend Courtney, over at The Brown Girl with Long Hair, recently posted her riposte to Vogue’s “10 Fashion Risks You Should Have Taken by the Age of 30,” and I had to laugh and laugh and laugh… Everything on that list was completely out of the realm of believability for me. For real. (Wearing fully sequined pants, anyone? Do you even own them, let alone wear them ALL DAY?! If you do, represent, in the comments, with all the juicy details if you please.)

Given my complete lack of identification with Vogues “Must” list, I thought I’d create my own fashion-backward list, and I invite you to add to it.

(Forgive me for the photos, I realized that I have lots of photos… of the kids. Less than .5% of them contain me. Eish.)

1) I’ve never paid more than $26 for a pair of jeans. What is this $100+ business?

I was desperate, I was 6 weeks postpartum, and they were the ONLY pair of trouser-cut jeans that fit. They were $26 each and I bought two pairs. I have a particular style that I prefer – trouser-legged – which are NOT straight-legged or boot cut, whatever the sales girls might tell you. (Boot cut and “straight legged,” near as I can tell, are cut on a straight line from the knee. The line of a trouser cut is straight down from the hip.) For my generously endowed in the upper-thigh region self, it’s a much more flattering style. I have difficulty finding jeans that fit. Jeans that have enough leg room for me typically have too much waistband. So I end up scooping up at least two pairs of jeans if I can find a style I like. I’m still wearing those jeans I bought at Maurice’s – 4 1/2 years later! (And I’m sadly due for some new pairs… ) Now, maybe this problem would be alleviated if I paid more, but places to buy jeans here fall into one of two categories; get yo granny-pants on, or boom-chick-a-bow-bow-bass and scented shopping experience. Neither appeal, as you might imagine.

2) Unfeminism, thy name is shorts.

I didn’t wear shorts except for messy (summer) household cleaning tasks and very occasionally while camping, for approximately 8 years. Okay, I’ve gotten better at not hating on my thighs, but I face the same issues with shorts-buying as I do with jeans-buying. I decided I didn’t have to deal with it, and I promptly started wearing short skirts in the summer. I was Dee Oh Enn Eee, done. This summer marks the first time I was able to find shorts that fit AND that I actually wore shorts for any length of time! Since I was running after children all day, I figured I should give in for the time being.

3) I’ve never worn a man’s shirt as… anything.

As a dress. Under a vest. Eating green eggs and ham… nada. The only exception is when I was 7-9 months pregnant in the wintertime and I stole my husband XL sweater and coat to wear during December and January… and that look wasn’t pretty. Trust me.

Hair cut! Hah. I'm not much of a hat girl either... although this is pretty good...
Hair cut! Hah. I’m not much of a hat girl either… although this is pretty good… this was last year’s Halloween get up.

4) Had a vah-vah-vah-voom hair cut.

This one might not fit exactly, but I’ve had a “fashion-forward-ish” hair cut exactly once in my life. I was 28 and it was an A-line cut and… it was okay. My hair lives in a ponytail or a topknot. Sometimes I get fancy and twist my hair around and impale it with thousands of hairpins in an attempt to do a french-twisty sort of thing. I just don’t have time to do an elaborate hairstyle every morning. I have dyed blue streaks into my hair. (No good pictures of that, unfortunately.) I’ve considered repeating that, but now the crazy hair color thing seems to be a trend and I apparently just don’t do trends… so that’s out.

5) Broken out in spots a la kitty kitty.

Somehow, I’m not even sure where it came from, a leopard-print lingerie top… thingy… showed up in my drawer. I wore it precisely once, got laughed at, and put it away. And during my last round of clothing purges, it disappeared. Hopefully someone else will find it and like it. I may be technically classified as an animal, but I like my own human skin thank you very much. Animal print looks great on some people, but not on me.

I have, however, broken out in wings. This is the get up for my recent all women 5k.
I have, however, broken out in wings. This was the get up for my recent all women 5k.

Whew! I do have a style, it just doesn’t line up with all the Vogue and Cosmo lists out there. Right now it looks suspiciously like a worn out pair of jeans and the cleanest shirt I can find in my sleep-deprived state. When I’m going out… well, I love recycled sari skirts. And off-beat jewelry.

What’s your most fashion-backward style? Do tell!

4 thoughts on “Fashion Backward

    1. Thank you! It is seriously the ONLY decent Halloween picture with me in it. 😛 Something has to change, I tell you.

      The wings, if you’re serious about wanting to own them, can be found at a Joann craft store! As for the tutu… well, I’ll let you know if I start making them for a living. 🙂 I made two… one for me and one for my friend and either I’m impossibly perfectionist, or else there’s some trick out there someone’s not telling! They turned out nicely enough but my friend said something about making and selling them and I just started laughing…

  1. My favorite picture is also halloween, because your baby looks so snuggly and cuddly in it! Plus the leaves– my goodness, YOU HAVE SEASONS! And the season looks GORGEOUS! (You sport pirate gear pretty well, too ;).)

    Even though every mom fashion article out there says “TIP #1: GET DRESSED. You will feel better about yourself!” I can’t help it. I love me some PJ’s and sweats, and I do my best to stay in them as many hours as I can in a day. And I feel pretty great about it :].

    1. Aw, thank you! Elf’s costume was so easy… my cousin sent the furry suit and I knew, instantly, he had to be Max from Wild Things. Unfortunately, I didn’t reference the book until the day before Halloween, so I got the tail wrong. Oh well. 🙂

      Yes, you should come see our leaves sometime. The beginning of October is usually perfect. 🙂

      Oh man, I’m jealous of your pjs and sweats. I have some comfy “work out” pants, but if I wear those I won’t accomplish anything. Kudos to you for managing to do so!

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